Since my camera has been dying a slow painful death (it pains ME),  I have missed out on some great photo opportunities. My daughter Abby, though, has been taking a photography class at the University. I really like her shots and asked her if I could share some of them with you.  Enjoy!

I'm not sure which of these is better, couldn't decide, so I posted both.  Maybe my good friend (and expert photographer) could tell me what she thinks.

This morning in my class we went over the history of treating the mentally ill. It was not a class for the faint-hearted.

It seems that even though people have had mental illnesses from the beginning of time there hasn't been a lot of strides in treating it.  An awful cycle of homelessness, an effort at good care, reverting to horrible care, and back to homelessness. Treatments like torture, beatings, electroshock therapy, and lobotomies were commonplace.  I was shocked to learn that some of these are still being administered. 

The current treatment of choice is drug therapy, but there is still so much in the unknown category.  As my instructor said today, physical medicine has made such huge bounding strides that mental health care pales by comparison.  So, every time they come upon something that seems to bring an improvement they flock to it.  Everyone wishes for a miracle cure, a giant breakthrough.  Sadly this is not the case yet.

In class today we watched some video clips that were very disturbing.  One showed a mental health museum that is in Missouri.  It was a hall of torture with every imaginable device you could think of.  We also saw clips of actual patients receiving electroshock therapy.  The seizures that patients endured were so violent that one man actually broke the bones in his back during it.  The last clip was of an actual lobotomy.  Patients were awake during this procedure and had only a local anesthetic. They actually drove a metal spike through the eye socket up into the brain where they would move it back and forth to sever the frontal lobe.    There was a student in class who actually passed out during this clip, hitting his head hard on  the desk.  All this in the name of science.

I am sobered to think that some people I know who suffer from mental illness may have had to endure treatments of that sort.

So many of you have asked how my Dad is doing.  I thought it only fair to give you an update considering how much energy on his behalf so many of you have spent.

He is not doing too badly.  He is very weak and impatient.  He wants to be able to get up and go, and feels like his "get-up-and-go" got up and went.

His blood pressure is very low 82/55 which is causing him some problems with dizziness. He needs 2 more units of blood tomorrow which will be about his 73rd and 74th units given. He went up to be typed and cross-matched today.  Usually drawing blood from him is simple since his central line hooks right into a vein, but today they couldn't get a draw.  His blood pressure was too low. 

At the doctor today my Dad was expressing his frustration at not recovering faster and the doc just said, "my friend, most people don't survive what you went through.  Just give yourself some time."

It was quite touching to see the nurses come in to see him.  One of them teared up and gave him a hug telling him how much she cares about him. 

I know my Dad has touched a lot of lives.   And he seems to still be touching them. 

     Joni on her birthday.

       ( I wonder where she gets the

             "mugging for photos" from?)

      A very cute baby....

                 and a very fun aunt

     Reading in bed.

         Andy's a little camera shy.

              (I wonder where he gets that from.)

      Lisa and Tyler, the newlyweds.

  Mr. Burns and Oscar still friends.

The Good:

My Dad is doing very well.  He is weak and has to build up his strength.  He has to learn how to swallow again so that he can remove the feeding tube, but he's doing well.  My mom is taking care of him maybe a little too well.  She is working herself too hard.  Tonight she has a sore throat which is not good.  I wish there was more I could do for her.

The Bad:

I have some dear friends who are struggling right now.  My prayer list just keeps growing and growing.  I wish there was more that I could do for them, but just knowing that they trust me enough to confide their struggles to me gives me a sense that I'm helping them a little.  I feel badly that some have felt like they couldn't burden me with their troubles, thinking that I had enough on my plate.  I hope they realize now that I am never too preoccupied to want to be there for them when they need me.

The Ugly:

On my way into work on Friday I had a little wake up call.  As I was walking down the hall towards my office I started to feel light-headed and dizzy.  By the time I reached my office I could tell that my heart was racing.  A student followed me to my desk, needing help.  I had to ask her to wait a few minutes until my ticker shifted back into a lower gear.That hasn't happened to me for quite a while.  I used to have this kind of trouble all the time, but haven't had too much of it in recent years. As I sat pondering on why this may have happened to me on Friday I realized that I haven't been taking very good care of myself in the last month or so.  I haven't been exercising or getting enough sleep. So, the ugly truth has hit me in the face.  I started back up again yesterday.  I got back to my daily walks and I'll do my best to get to bed at a more reasonable hour.  So Mom, I know you're reading this and getting all worried.  Don't.  I've talked to many doctors about it and they all tell me the same thing. Don't worry about it.  It's a nuisance and it's not comfortable, but I'm not going to die from it. It's just my body's way of saying, "Wake up girlie.  You need to take a little bit better care of yourself."

And that's what I plan on doing.

I am really enjoying my Abnormal Psychology class.  However a comment in my last class sent me into a little bit of a panic.  The teacher announced that we would be skipping chapter 2. 

The words spoken that caused my heart to beat a little faster, my eyes to blur a bit, and my head to swim was this.

"Chapter 2 is the entire Psych 111 class in a nutshell, and since you've all taken Psych 111 we won't be going over that material in class.  You will be tested on all of it."

Yes, I did have Psych 111.

In 1977!!!!

I'm thinking I may not do too well on that test.

Dad was released from the hospital on Monday.  He's doing well.  My Mom has been amazing at running the feeding tube, flushing the central line and caring for the trach and all the other needful things.  He was in the hospital for 19 days, a record by a week for our hospital.  I told him they would probably name a room after him and call it the survival suite. 

After spending so much time in the hospital after work I have let meny things at home slide.  If I don't post very often it's because I am playing the catch up game.  I am going with my parents tomorrow morning at 9:45 to his oncologist.  We'll find out more about the lumps in his neck and see what his blood is doing.  I hope I have good news after that. 

Cheers to you all.  Hug your family a little extra long, smile a little longer, and go ahead and eat dessert first.

Two weeks ago today we took a day trip to Yellowstone.  Even though we live fairly close we don't go there real often.  We just decided to take a Sunday and go. No one was working, the weather was great, and even though my dad turned really sick that day, we ended up going.  I'm so glad we did.  Through my dad's health crisis over the last couple of weeks I have just put my photos on the back burner.  I felt like today was an appropriate day to bring them out and share.  My Dad is doing  pretty good.  Even though he lost a total of 52 pounds he is doing remarkably well.  They are looking at maybe sending him home in the middle of the week sometime.  They will probably still do radiation on the lumps in his neck to see if that will help.  He has his trach still, but it is plugged up for now so he can talk.  What a blessing speech is!  He has to be fed through a Peg Tube (feeding tube), but his pneumonia is almost gone. Thank you to everyone who has invested so many prayers and thoughts in us.  We feel so much love and support.  In fact today my Mom had to make the decision to put a "no visitor" sign on the door to his hospital room.  He had over 100 visitors by mid-afternoon and was totally exhausted.  They had to turn away these good-hearted people so that he could get some rest. We still don't know what his prognosis will be, or how long he has left.  If you want to look for a silver lining in his illness it might be how my Dad being sick has brought so many people together.  Family members who haven't seen or spoken in a very long time have been reunited. People who are caught up in their own problems feel uplifted when they visit a man who is not letting this get him down.  And some poor lost souls who doubt the reality of life after death are given hope when they hear my Dad speak of his knowledge that life does not end here.

This has been a good day.  As I was sitting in the hospital room earlier today visiting with my Mom, my brother Ron's kids, my daughter Lisa and Tyler, and my sister and her family it started sounding a little like a party. My Dad was so exhausted that he appeared to be asleep.  Mom suggested that we all go over to her house so as not to disturb him.  Dad promptly opened his eyes and said, "Am I pooping your party?"

No Dad, you're not pooping the party.  You are the reason for it.  And may we never forget to do it even in your absence.

           Old Faithful.

         Relaxing by Yellowstone Lake

         I found something to sketch while Abby waded.

      Collared for tracking.

     A very warm running birdbath.

    One of the canyons

        Firehole Falls

   Farther down the canyon a swimming hole.

                     Very popular with the tourists.

        Mineral deposits and interesting landscapes everywhere.

     Boiling water in one of the geyser holes.

     On the walk around Old Faithful.

   Reflections in a mineral pool.

   The steam rising off the pools is so hot we feel like we're in a sauna. 

    I love the cotton ball clouds.

     When the steam billows up it clouds up the photo.

    Another hot spring running into the river.

   This big boy took his sweet time crossing the road.

     Cars were backed up both ways.  We were lucky enough to be the front car.

   One of the pools on the Paint Pot trail.

     All down the river these big boulders had trees growing right out of them.

          On our way home.

#1.   My Job

I just spent 2 days explaining our online class system to about 250 students, 24 at a time. My spiel is mostly said word for word, hour after hour.  Not much variation in content.  I do my best to use voice intonation changes and animated facial expressions, hoping that this vital information makes it passed the ear drum and actually hits the cerebral cortex. 

The students all sit, slack-jawed, glassy-eyed, and half asleep.  I'm not sure how much they are really hearing.   Sadly, every semester I realize that once again I have failed as I receive scores of e-mails and visits from panicked students. 

"But I didn't know I would have to do an online quiz EVERY week." 

"Oh, were we supposed to be doing lessons online?" 

"I can't turn this in 3 months late? But I never heard I had to do it."

This morning I delivered my little speech in a bit of a hurry.  The geology class began at 7:45.  I was finished at 8:00.  I am taking a psychology class this semester that began today.

at 8:00.

I had about a half a mile to walk, uphill, in a dress with heels.  I was only 10 minutes late.  I really wanted to be in that class.

#2.   My Class: Abnormal Psychology

My son, David, took this class a couple of years ago and would regal me with story after story.  I knew I wanted to take the class and had to wait patiently for it to be offered outside of my work hours.  Because I work on campus I am able to take classes tuition free.  What a great perk!  I showed up, huffing and puffing just in time to hear the last part of the syllabus. 

Just in time for the first discussion.  I LOVED it!  A class to really get you thinking.

The first thing he said was that there was one inherent danger with taking the class that first year medical students also have.  That danger is the tendency to "self-diagnose". As we start to learn about all the mental disorders and their symptoms we will keep finding ourselves.  We will become mental hypochondriacs.  So he told us to chill out, relax and just be aware that it may be a problem.  He also told us to be kind to our room mates and families. 

We had a discussion on what actually constitutes abnormal behavior, what the criteria is for judging one thing okay and another worthy of the padded cell.  Being around people that are different causes us to be uncomfortable and we want to stay away from them.  Society dictates what is normal and what isn't.  There were many other criteria, but that was the big one.  I think  I'm going to really like this class.

#3.  My Dad

After work I went up to the hospital to sit with my Dad for a while.  I was quite concerned about how he would be.  Yesterday they put in a feeding tube.  They weighed him yesterday and discovered he has lost 42 pounds in 2 weeks.  His strength was totally gone.  He received his trach about 9 days ago and hasn't been able to communicate more than writing very shakily single words like "chair", "down", and "chemo-brain".

So tonight as I walk down the hall towards the ICU I am hopeful that last night's food has perked him up.  I was floored by what I found.

I walked into the room and my Mom said, "Linda's here". 

And my Dad said,   yes SAID   "Hi Linda"!

Late last night the doctor came back to the hospital and plugged the trach.  He wanted my Dad to be able to speak this morning and surprise everyone.  My sister happened to still be there and was sworn to secrecy.  I don't know what my Mom did when she heard him talk, but I was stunned and delighted.  I thought I might never hear him speak again.  I can't believe how sweet his voice sounded.

And his spirit is the same.  Not broken.

Not even bruised.

When the night nurse came on duty she asked him how he was doing.

My Dad, so weak he couldn't lift his arms, in the hospital for 15 days, 11 of them in the ICU, having lost 42 pounds in that time and just having regained his speech after not having it for that amount of time

just looked at her and said,

"If I was doing any better I couldn't stand it."

Even when something as stressful and painful as having your father in the ICU ward of the hospital for 10 days and counting, that doesn't mean the rest of your life screeches to a halt.  Life has a way of going on, with or without you.  It's a good thing.  When you get so caught up in a crisis it sometimes takes  seeing the normalcy of every day living to remind you that this too will pass.

Classes at our University start tomorrow, Wednesday.  This is the first year that we have had a shut-down period in the summer for our school.  We knew there would be some kinks to work out, but we had no idea the kinks would be Grand Canyon sized.

It usually takes about a week and a half to do my preparations for the semester.  I have to request that about 30 online classes be set up, copy all the materials into those classes, set up quizzes with opening and closing dates, place announcements, make and print syllabi, class schedules, and lab packets for about 400 students. And that's just one of my responsibilities.  Not difficult, just time consuming.  When I got back to work last week I discovered that they had "upgraded" our online class system.  I was not aware that the term "upgrade" is synonymous with "render unusable", but I guess it does.  Every time I requested a class I received an error message.  I reported this message to the big-wigs in the on-line class development department and was told day after day that it would be fixed by tomorrow.  Finally on Friday they got it fixed, about an hour before I received an e-mail telling me that all internet and phone systems would be down until Saturday afternoon.   We finally got those back up and I've been frantically trying to get the bare essentials done in time.  Many things are kind of "scotch-taped" together, if you know what I mean.  I hope I did enough to get us through the first day of class. 

Today, as I was plowing through my "to-do" list I was constantly interrupted with very urgent and panicked requests from the professors.  "There is no internet connection in this class-room", "the screen is gone out of that classroom", and "why is there a cut electrical wire coming out of the overhead projector in room 158?"  That one concerns me personally, as I wiil spend about 8 hours in that room tomorrow carefully explaining how to access these online materials I don't have ready.  How am I going to show them how unprepared I am without the projector?  Many phone calls and e-mails later we are told that the projector will be fixed tonight, but the internet connection may not be fixed until 7:45 in the morning. 

The first class in the morning begins at 7:45.  That's cutting it a little close, I'm thinking.  I hope it all works out.  I told one professor that he might have to teach the old fashioned way, like they did in the 70's.  Oh wait, he wasn't born in the 70's.  Suddenly I feel pretty old.

and tired.

I'm not an eary bird, but I do need to be there bright and early in the morning.  I'm thinking I'd better be there about 7:30.  If there's no internet connection I'll still have 15 whole minutes to formulate and execute plan B.   Should be plenty of time.

Dad needed an MRI to see what the swelling in his neck was. 

He couldn't hold still due to the fact that he couldn't breathe through the closing airway.

He was given some medication to help him relax. 

He still moved too much for the MRI to show anything. 

And the medicine caused him to fall asleep,

and to quit breathing every time he did.

We had to keep a very close watch and every few minutes shake him awake so that he would start breathing again.

That was no fun.

Days, agonies, and a tracheostomy later we are told that the swelling is going down and the biopsies were negative for the dreaded cancer.

We are cautiously optimistic. 

Then today. 

The doctor comes, Dad's asleep.

The doc tries to rouse him,

and is unable.

He palpitates his neck and finds,

below the swelling,

masked before by the engorged tissues,

another lymph node

that feels just like another one of those things that started this whole mess

one year ago.

Thursday night, August 30, my dad started running a fever.  He went to the emergency room where they decided to admit him to the hospital. 

Friday and Saturday.  Massive amounts of antibiotics were given to him through IV's.  He was feverish on and off.  He felt pretty good. 

Sunday.  His body just came crashing down.  He spent the night before in misery because he didn't call the nurse. We're not sure if he didn't know how, or didn't want to bother her.  Probably the later.  His tongue and neck were swelling at an alarming rate. He had pneumonia and his breath was rattling. By mid-morning Sunday he had calmed down, was able to get into a chair and sit, and seemed to be doing a little better.  Our family had planned a trip to Yellowstone for the day, so even though we got a late start we decided to go anyway.  Besides, both mom and dad insisted.  It seemed like a good thing to do.  My brother Ron (Storyteller) came from Utah.  He'll never know how much his coming helped.  He stayed with Dad all night Sunday to Monday.  Every 10 to 15 minutes he had to help Dad try to clear his air passageway or go to the bathroom.  All night.

Monday. Dad had now gone almost 3 days without sleep.  Every breath required concentration.  His mouth, tongue and throat were all swelling at an alarming rate almost completely blocking off the airway.  Dad started to see and hear things that weren't there which further upset my Mother.  It was extremely difficult for Dad to talk, and difficult for us to understand.  The doctors were all worried, saying things like "his whole system seems to be crashing", "do you have do not resuscitate orders?", "do you have a living will".

One doctor decided to start Dad on medicine for fungal infections.  The antibiotics didn't seem to be helping, so maybe he had a fungal infection. There was talk about making him comfortable and stable so that he could go home.  There was talk about Hospice. The Doctor said that most of his colleagues would say there was no hope, but he was a hopeful man.  He wanted to preserve the airway and see what happened with the antifungal medicine. One doctor said the swelling was from infection, another said it was a sub-cutenous bleed due to his poor platelet count, another said it was his lymphoma tumors coming back.

Tuesday. Dad was given a tracheostomy to preserve the airway. They took biopsies.  His lawyer and entourage came into the ICU where Dad had to sign his living will and living trust papers.  He had now gone 4 days without sleeping more than a few minutes at a time.  He was coughing almost constantly.  He now couldn't talk at all. A simple thing like needing a pillow was very hard to communicate.

Wednesday and Thursday.  Dad still hanging on.  Acting more healthy and alert.  I think he was finally able to sleep some during the night.  He actually ate some tomato soup and was able to get it down his throat.  The doctor told him Thursday evening that the swelling was finally going down.

Friday. The biopsy reports came back negative for lymphoma in the neck.  Hurray! The doctors said if he hadn't had a tracheostomy he wouldn't be here.  We are so grateful for doctors who didn't give up.  We are so glad Dad seems to be getting a little better.   Hopefully he will be able to come home soon.  Hopefully they will take out the trach soon.  We don't know what the future holds.  We are just grateful for each day and moment that we still have.   Dad has shown time and time again his resiliency. He just keeps bouncing back.  Such a good payback for living a clean healthy life. For not ever taking anything into his body that would harm it.  We're not sure if he'll be able to bounce all the way back this time, but maybe he will.  But one thing is for certain, we've learned to appreciate even more fully each little moment that is still ours to share.

Take a man who lives to visit.

who loves the interaction of talking to

anyone and everyone

 around him

And take this same man who also dislikes writing

who has never

ever

wanted to raise a pen to paper

and give this man

a tracheostomy

a hole in his throat

so that all air will by-pass the vocal chords

and make speech impossible.

This is the definition of

frustration.

~ I was able to go hiking with some of my kids.  We had a great time, enjoyed a bit of nature, and had quite a few laughs. 

~ I had so much fun shopping for my end-of-summer swap buddy Meg.  A while later I received a great gift from my e-o-s swap buddy Weimie full of awesome hiking goodies.  Everything from blister skin remedy to trail mix.  What a fun thing.

~ I saw David and Lisa compete in a Triathlon. 

~ We had a fun weekend celebrating David's birthday.  He and his wife and baby spent the weekend with us where I got to spoil Nathan and David was able to "hang" with his siblings.  We had a great time. 

~ Abby and I went to Jackson and attended a concert at the Grand Teton Music Festival where we saw Lisa perform.  The concert was awesome.  I loved it!

~ We buy and plant 6 new trees for our yard.

~I didn't have to work for almost a month.  No paycheck either, but you can't have everything.

~ After feeling like Mrs. Flathead (not to be confused with Mrs. Fathead) for way too long, and being poor of funds (see above) I give myself a perm and it turned out!

~ I sew a skirt to wear at work and it also turned out.  It won't have to go into the pile of hand sewn, but unwearable clothing.

~ I get a beautiful bell necklace from my awesome friend Joisey.   I love the necklace but the best gift is becoming such good friends with her. 

~ Lisa and Tyler move into their new house.  Even though they had a little problem with the washer hook-ups and flooded part of two rooms in the process they are very happy.  It's a good thing Tyler's mother-in-law was there when the flood was discovered so that they didn't totally freak out and panic.  That old lady has been through many a basement flood and knew just what to do.  Things were cleaned up in no time, and no permanent damage done.

~ I took a lot of photos with my camera.  Not all of them turned out but I had fun taking them and got a lot of fun, beautiful, or memorable shots.

What beautiful wonderful people there are on spaces. When someone is having a crisis or problems of any kind, the most wonderful people are here to lend support, offer encouragement, and say a prayer for you. This has been my experience this week. I appreciate it more than you know. 

I just want to also let you know that everything is okay.  My Dad is dying, we are all sad, but it's okay.  Please don't pray for him to live.  That isn't what he wants.  He has made peace with passing and so have we. We will help him be as comfortable  as possible with the time he has left whether it be hours, days, or weeks.  There probably won't be any months.  But it's okay.

Love to you all.  I hope I am as there for you in your time of need as you've been for me.

My dad went into the hospital on Thursday evening with a temperature of 102.  He has been in there since.  Today my family went on a trip to Yellowstone which I want to share, but tonight is just not the night for it.  Today my Dad's condition turned down the wrong road.  He has had a hard time breathing, swallowing, and just living today.  So I will leave you with this sunset photo which I took on our way home from the park, and I would appreciate any prayers in my Dad's behalf.